The fantastic thing about American sports is that one season just rolls on into the next for an almost constant fix. Clearly, we love watching those sports; they’re always on television (which a visit to any sports bar will tell you at any time of the day, any day of the week).
And, what’s better than watching sports on television? A visit to the ballpark on opening day, of course. Not only can you watch the game while drinking wildly overpriced beers from plastic cups, but you also have a chance to indulge in some of the world’s most elaborately unhealthy foods.
And this year promises to top every other year – which is quite frightening when you think about it.
As of last year, you could give yourself a heart attack with any of these babies:
• College Daze Bloody Mary while watching a Minnesota Twins game (Target Field). The Bloody Mary part isn’t the worst thing in the world, but when you “garnish” it with a slice of pizza, well… What do you say about that?
• Catch a Texas Rangers game and a Taco Dog (Globe Life Park). It’s a hot dog inside of a crunchy taco shell inside of a hoagie roll. But that’s just the beginning. It’s also got taco meat, cheese, and (for safety’s sake) pico de gallo and lettuce.
• The crave-inducing Chesapeake Fries served during Baltimore Orioles games (Camden Yards). Think waffle fries smothered in crab dip and you’re on the right track.
And Then There Are the Hot Options
Back in Texas, you can get the Holland Hot Tot’chos which are more or less what you would think. Okay, probably more than you would imagine. These are tater tot nachos (so far so good) covered in chicken or steak and then bell peppers, along with jalapeños, buffalo sauce, and spicy queso.
Funny thing is that the capsaicin will halve your appetite (which hopefully is already less than a portion of Hot Tot’chos.
But the hotter than hell ballpark winner is the King of the Wing that you can order while watching an Arizona Diamondbacks game at Chase Field. You need to sign a waiver to eat these Ghost Pepper wings, but if you can do it, you’ll get to keep a custom-branded fire helmet.
So What’s on the Menu This Year?
As you may have guessed, you won’t need to eat for a week if you head out to a baseball game this year. There are some wild options set for release on opening day (April 3rd and 4th).
• In Atlanta, you’ll be able to order the Burgerpizza which is pretty much what it sounds like: a cheeseburger smushed between two pepperoni pizzas. (Really, why not add a dollop of nachos and a corn dog to the mix?)
• The idea of adding everything is certainly apparent in the T.E.D. Dog that you can get at the same park. The Every Thing dog (named for the franchise owner) is a footlong in a pretzel bun being swallowed by French fries, nachos, chili, beer cheese, popcorn, and (thankfully) jalapeños.
And, because you can’t enter a ballpark without being inundated with jalapeños, you may just want to try the Cracker Jack and Mac dog launching in Pittsburg this year. It’s a wild combination of a hot dog on pita bread, covered with cheese and jalapeños and… yep, Cracker Jacks.
We’re definitely excited about opening day this year, but we have to be honest… “Take me out to the ball game”, really does have a terrifying twist these days.